Feeling versus seeking

For most of my life (nearly all of my childhood and young adulthood) I have suffered from dissociative disorder. Having had a very young and formative abusive experience, I taught myself at an age younger than my daughter is now, how not to feel.

I was really good at it. When forced to think about feelings or deal with them, which if you’ve repressed for most of your life can rear their ugly heads in an overwhelming and unmanageable way (which was also rare), I consciously repressed them into what I called The Box. Everything dark and twisty that lit my nerves on fire went into The Box, and I went back to my state of observing my own life as an outsider.

Having a child broke my empathy barrier and I began to experience love for another human being, for what I believe to be the very first time. My ability to repress started to crumble and I suffered from paralyzing anxiety, identity crises, and depression.

Having had less empathy than a sociopath for most of my life left me feeling like the shell of human being.

Through counseling I’ve discovered feelings, that negative feelings (my own determination of anger, fear, jealousy, etc.) aren’t the hallmark of a monster, but of a human being. Less than one, even.

I discovered my own sensitivities to feelings and ability to sense them in others, even when they are themselves unsure. I stunted myself from this ability my entire life, which I think took an incredible feat of stubbornness and energy.

These perceptions have strengthened me to where I am now.

But I’ve discovered that for me, personally, it’s not enough to know what I am feeling and be comfortable with that emotion. I have begun seeking.

I want to know why. What is the motivation, the catalyst, for my emotions, rational or irrational, fact or fiction?

And upon discovering that transition in myself, I have to wonder about some of the highly emotional people in my life...are they seeking as well, or is it enough for some people just to cling to the justification in their feeling something?

I have this weird desire to unearth everything in myself and examine it. I hate having blind spots. I guess the seeking makes sense that way.