A funny thing happened over break

I had a lot of foolish ambitions for things I wanted to accomplish over Christmas break. Learn how to code something. Read, at a minimum, two books per week. Move and decorate a new office at work. Accomplish successful Christmases and New Years. Rearrange Mila's room. Harry Potter marathon.

And some of those things I actually did accomplish! (Not the reading, or coding though).

One thing I didn't think I'd be successful at, over the course of two full weeks off, was full time momming.

It's been a long time since Mila and I had to play one on one for longer than say, a three-day weekend (and honestly, most of those Fridays get eaten up by work and school) so I was thinking that by the beginning of week two, I'd have to renege on my time off from daycare.

But something funny happened.

All that extra time together, meant that our time wasn't soaked up by routine things and sleep. (I guess that's routine, but you know what I mean).

And instead of being annoyed at having to entertain this 5-year old, I found that she, in fact, entertained me when given the opportunity.

I didn't have to play bad guy all of the time (like our usual time spent, with me having to enforce getting ready for school in the morning, and getting ready for bed in the evenings) and it allowed me to relax and just sort of observe my child as herself.

Holy crap, you guys, I really like her.

She's really funny, and thoughtful, and articulate, and sweet. Instead of a perpetual grumpster like I had previously thought.

I found myself allowing myself to be myself, with my child. And I think (I hope, at least) that we both kinda loved it. I did, at least.

I started to think someday this could be a person that I can confide in, she just impresses me so much.

It's just weird for me to love something, someone so much. I never have before. Not even myself when I was consumed with selfishness.

This is a different type of love.

It's more like I love her so much that I would do anything to give her the best chance at life, even change myself to make anything possible, or better, for her.

That's a crazy kind of love you guys. But...I don't know what I'm saying now.

But I guess what I'm getting at is this.

It's worth it. Nothing else like it in my life has ever had so much power, or motivated me to do more. To do better.

To see someone who belongs to me, being happy, just as themselves, so young...I think it helps to heal the dark, sad, young parts of me.

The funny thing that happened, is instead of feeling imprisoned in my own home, having to be a mom for two full weeks, I'm finishing off this break slightly bummed that Mila and I have to part ways to go back to school and work.

Because just being with her brings me so much joy. And all she has to do is be herself.

I try to tell her these things, but she just smiles and tells me I'm funny.

And that's fine by me. I hope she doesn't ever have to be as serious as I was, as a child.